Ship's Blog: August, 2006

For radiation treatment, I chose to go to a radiation oncologist at Alta Bates in Berkeley, instead of staying with UCSF. My reasons were practical; I have to drive to radiation every weekday for six and a half weeks. No way am I getting stuck in Bay Bridge traffic everyday.  Read more »

I think we've previously covered the fact that I love getting rid of stuff. Well, today I not only got rid of more stuff, but I did it in a new way.

I've been meaning to go to the hazardous waste disposal center for months and months. I have leftover paint in 5 gallon containers, some turpentine, and batteries that need to be safely disposed of. The turpentine and some of the batteries are things I moved with me from San Francisco, so I've actually had some of this stuff held to one side for years! I was procrastinating about taking it in, though, because I was unfamiliar with the location of the center and how it actually worked.  Read more »

I figured out that the sores in my mouth and throat were from mucositis. That's a relatively common condition for chemo patients. What happens is that cells in the gastro-intestinal tract (that includes the mouth) reproduce quickly. Chemo targets all rapidly-dividing cells in the body. If it kills of the cells that line the GI tract, ulcerations can occur. And they hurt.   Read more »

Yesterday afternoon I was feeling badly, still with the sore throat and general yuckiness, so I thought I would take a nap. I stretched out on the bed, feeling just awful. The longer I lay there, the more I … felt the same. After about twenty minutes, I got brilliant the idea that maybe I didn't need to rest…maybe I just need to drill holes in something!  Read more »

I do not know what is wrong with me. I crave ramen like it nobody's business. It's all I want to eat all day long. This after I swore off ramen forever, as of two or three years ago.

Why would I swear off ramen? Well, I learned something about ramen that I didn't want to know. Yes it's a convenient, yummy source of salted noodle goodness, but did you also know that the noodles are deep-fried before they are dried? I kid you not!  Read more »

My throat is hurting and I can't bring myself to call the cancer center. It's been hurting for a week and, weirdly enough, I also can't bring myself to look at it with a flashlight. They say to call about that, but given how everything else goes, it doesn't seem worth the trouble. I think I'm just sick and tired of paying attention to every little thing that goes on with my body. I just want to stop and be a normal person...you know, not so self-obsessed.  Read more »

Lately I've been playing adventure games to give me something to focus on. I rationalize that it's a way to fight chemo brain (a dulling of cognitive function that can accompany chemotherapy) by keeping my mind in shape. Really, I'm just longing for a bit of escape.

To help me out, my eldest niece brought me a number of Nancy Drew adventure games this weekend. I had joked with her the day before about the coyotes we have out back, saying that they should come out with Danger at Lime Ridge: Secrets of the Coyotes! So, of course she brought the game Ghost Dogs of Moon Lake.  Read more »

Ever since childhood, I have been afraid of bugs. Ants, silverfish, beetles, spiders...my bug phobia includes them all. The act of squashing a bug has never been automatic for me - it takes minutes of "psyching" myself up to be able to do it, if at all. The sight of a cockroach (guaranteed when you visit Hawaii) has been known to paralyze me with fear. And with spiders I've always had an uneasy truce: I'll let them live (to eat more bugs) if they will just stay far out of my way.

For four decades, this is how it has been. Then, I started chemotherapy and I became a cold-blooded killer.  Read more »

Yesterday afternoon I looked outside and a man was leading a white stallion up the hill. The gorgeous, well-muscled horse was so white that he looked silver in the sunlight. The man had him on a long lead ... and by long I mean like 30+ feet. The stallion was reluctant to follow the man and kept stopping, gazing toward my window.

This morning I saw them again, this time heading down the hill. The horse looked just as otherworldly as he did yesterday.

When I told Kathy about it, she asked, "Did it have wings?"

I mentioned it to my friend Maria and she asked, "Did it have a horn?" Okay, no wings, no horn, but still…the sight of him raised the hair on my arms. Yeah, I'm a dork.  Read more »

Lessons come in all forms. Today's lesson came through a dove I named Becky.

Meet mom, Jeff, and Becky, the mourning doves who are nesting in the eaves outside our living room window:

As you can see from their size (this picture was taken two days ago), Jeff and Becky are getting big and there is not enough room in the nest for everyone all at once. I've watched several dove moms and this one is a particularly patient and sweet one, but I suspect that even she was hoping that her fledglings might be ready to fly.  Read more »

Most cancer patients, when scheduled for chemotherapy, are first sent to a chemo training session with a nurse or other health care provider. In this session you are given a lot of information about the drugs they’ll be administering, potential side effects, what you should and shouldn’t do while in chemo, and so on. There is so much information that you can feel like you’re getting a good idea of what chemo will be like.

However, there are a plenty of things they don’t tell you about chemo—important things—that you figure out a few weeks into it.  Read more »

A dear friend of mine sent me the most gorgeous flower arrangement. Purple and white flowers are overflowing from a tall, elegant vase – it's just amazing. Seriously, I think it is the most beautiful flower arrangement I've ever seen. The card reads:

"You are a true pirate"

Awwww! I'm having a rough week—the fourth chemo cycle has worn me down to nothing—and this was a welcome gift. I am so weak that I really can't do much other than admire the flowers, and then maybe take a nap. But I'm smiling!

This summer, we've had two families of mourning doves nest in the eaves of our house. One used an existing nest in front of Kathy's office window. The other either built or restored a nest outside our living room window. Both these nests are easy viewing spots for the boys upstairs. Skee is all about the doves. Dash is a finch cat at heart, but he enjoys watching the doves as well.

Their style, however, couldn't be more different. Dash is coy and will hide so doves can't see him, watching. Skee, however, can't contain himself and he loses his mind.  Read more »

The other evening, Kathy and I were shopping at Joann's craft store. I was wearing my indigo blue bob, rolling my shopping cart along, when I passed a woman who just stood there, mouth open, starting at me with HUGE eyes like I was some obscene monster. Her expression showed that she was clearly horrified by my hair, which I had forgotten I had on.

It' not the first time I've had that reaction, though this was one of the more dramatic responses. I gotta say, I don't get it. I feel like shouting, "People!" [Clap, clap!] "Get a GRIP! It's just HAIR."

Do people have no subtlety? Sheesh.  Read more »

As I started the car this morning to head to San Francisco, the rising sun hit the rhinestone awareness ribbon on my black T-shirt and cast sparkly lights all over the steering wheel and dashboard. For a moment, I didn't know what was causing it and thought, "Wow, this is like a cheap SciFi effect." Ha!  Read more »

Well, I did indeed make a dent in the garage this week, although I would have liked to have done more.

I donated seven boxes of books and videos to the Rainbow Community Center in Concord. Many of the books are ones that I used to do the research for Sappho.com . I don't have the space to put those books out. Since that's the case, I'd rather let other lesbians have access to the, so I was happy that the RCC was interested in the donation.  Read more »

My sister (Debbie) is just the best. She is at Disneyland today with her two daughters. Originally, they wanted me to go with them, but I couldn't because of the whole chemo thing. The reason we all want to be at Disneyland is to see the updated Pirates of the Caribbean ride, which now features Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain Barbossa, and Davy Jones. Woo-hoo!

Debbie called me while waiting in line and her daughters sang "Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Pirates Life for Me" into the phone. As they moved forward, my sister described everything. When they got into the boat, she hid the phone, which was still on, to see if she could take me on the ride with them.

I was instant messaging a friend at the time:  Read more »

I was scheduled to have a follow-up appointment with my surgeon today. This appointment was scheduled back in May and they didn't tell me what was involved. Several friends asked what my surgeon wanted to see me for and I could only shrug. They don't tell me anything! (Which doesn't mean I don't ask...it just means that no one who schedules or answers phones knows a darn thing.)  Read more »

I always imagined that those people raised with the idea that they could do anything must feel powerful. You know, like they stand at the edge of a cliff with their fists at their hips, cape fluttering and flapping in the breeze as they their voice booms out, "I can do ANYTHING...Anything...anything..." Like that.  Read more »

We needed to clear some space in our garage early this morning, as Lowe's was delivering two windows and a door. Because the garage is my territory until I finish the Great Garage Project , I took care of a lot of the moving and shoving to make space. Because, you know, I'm pushy.

This, of course, made me think of how long the Great Garage Project has been languishing. I want to take care of it this week! I don't know if I can, but that's what I want.  Read more »

As I continue moving through my cancer treatment plan, I feel a growing nervousness about one of the upcoming steps: hormone therapy.

Because my cancer was positive for estrogen and progesterone receptors, anti-estrogen therapy is seen as one of the most powerful weapons to prevent recurrence. Essentially, what it does is rob the cancer of the estrogen that it uses for fuel, limiting the growth.  Read more »

When I first told one of my friends that I had cancer, she said, "Well, you get to lose weight!"

"That's what I'm hoping for," I answered, laughing.

I know, I know, what kind of sick bastard am I to see cancer as a weight loss opportunity? But I'm talking about myself; I'm allowed to be sick. (Besides, you have to find your irony where you can at times like this.) I thought, if I have to suffer through cancer treatment, the least I can do is lose weight with less effort. Everyone knows you lose weight if you go through chemotherapy.

Four months have now passed. In today's conversation, this same friend asked me how much weight I had lost since this started. None, I told her.  Read more »

Today is the 9-year anniversary of my mother's death. I feel her loss deeply.

As I go through my cancer treatment, I can't help but wish she was around for me to talk to. Not so much because she went through it herself (three decades ago) and could provide insight, but mostly so that I could tell her that I understand so much more now than I did before.

I was just ten years old when she went through breast cancer treatment. I remember how very sick it made her, even when I didn't understand what was going on. My mother tried to keep things to herself. I wasn't even told that she had cancer-I heard about it accidentally through my best friend, who had been told not to tell me.  Read more »

Lately I have been thinking about learning PHP (a programming language). Toward that end, yesterday (at about 2 pm) I ordered a PHP book and an XHTML book from Amazon.com.

Apparently the universe really wants me to do this, because I just opened the front door and there they are. They've arrived in less than 24 hours from Kentucky, and I didn't even choose overnight shipping!

I didn't know Marge and Norm were into programming stuff, but okay, okay! I'll learn it.