Social Networking – In How Many Places Can Your Past Haunt You?

Facebook. LinkedIn. Twitter. Classmates.com. MySpace. Social networking is taking over and, frankly, some of us are not ready for it.

At least, I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

On face value, it seems like social networking on the Web is a fabulous idea. What a great way to stay connected to people, find those you've lost touch with, and strengthen bonds. You hear such wonderful stories about best friends from elementary school reconnecting and old lovers romantically encountering each other decades after they first fell in love. And I'm sure you know those people who find running a search on Facebook to be fun and exciting. Who will they find today?

I have friends like this-people for whom social networking is a welcome enhancement to their lives. I genuinely admire them, because for me, social networking not always like that. Sure, it can be enjoyable at times, but other times? It's stressful and nerve-wracking. Getting a new friend invitation can make me stop breathing momentarily, as I wonder, is this a "friend friend" or somebody I don't want to talk to?

You don't have to be a social recluse to have issues with online networking. It's often less than appealing if:

• You have good reason to avoid one or more persons from your past, particular the kind who never qualified for a restraining order, per se, but who has threatened your safety on some level,

• You survived an awful childhood or violent relationship and really don't want to be connected with anyone who reminds you of that time,

• Merciless teasing throughout your school years means that a request of, "hey, remember me from 6^th grade?" would be less than welcome,

• Some life circumstance has forced you to be isolated for some or all of your life, and seeing 150+ friends in the networks of your three co-workers just rubs your face in the fact that you don't have many friends,

• You underwent some kind of radical life change (like coming out or changing religion), choosing to lead a more authentic life that is great for you - but would make connecting with people from your past very awkward,

• You have social anxiety disorder,

• You're in the witness protection program, or

• You just really, really, like to be private. Really.

While I can't claim to fall into the last few categories (my first website went up in 1995 - I've never been hard to find online) I can say that yeah, it's possible I qualify for several of the others. And it's important to note that while it is easy to locate me online, when it comes to my own email inbox, nothing prompts me to reply to a message from someone whom I don't want to connect with.  

But on social networking sites, it's different. First, something about how these sites work make it much easier to idly search for old contacts and click the "add as friend" link. There's more thought and effort that goes into finding someone's website, looking up their email address, and sending them a proper message. Second, as the recipient of a friend request through a service, you are usually asked to accept, decline, or ignore their invitation (depending on the site). If you have any sensitivity, it can be pretty hard to decline a friend request, especially when there is no link for, "no thank you, it's not you, it's just complicated."

Obviously, you could just not sign up, and if you are very private, that's your best bet. But if you don't want to avoid the movement entirely-you just don't want it to trigger any past social trauma-here's what I recommend:

• Be thoughtful about the networks you sign up for. If childhood is full of bad memories, don't sign up for networks like Classmates.com where you are inviting contact with people who will remind you of a painful time.

• Check the privacy settings for each social networking site and set them according to your comfort level. For example, on Facebook, maybe you only want friends to see your feeds and no one else. Or, on Twitter, maybe you want your feed to be private, by invitation only. Don't accept the default settings without knowing what they mean.

• Only share what you want to share. Post things that wouldn't be disastrous if they leaked out to other sources. Just because you make something private doesn't mean it will always stay hidden from your employer or your next-door neighbor.

• Come to terms with ignoring or declining invitations. Go for quality of network instead of quantity.

• Find the people who make connection fun and worthwhile, people with whom you feel safe. Nurture those connections.

• Frequently take part in offline-world get-togethers with friends and colleagues to remind yourself that online networking is not the "be all and end all" of things. Often it's the smile shared across a table that makes your week - not a :-) tagged on at the end of an instant message.

I know I'm not the only one who approaches social networking with a little trepidation. If you find this brazen new world challenging at times, too, leave me a comment and share your tips (or funny stories!). I'm sure lots of readers want to hear what you have to say!

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