Big Thoughts

The new year is upon us and...OMIGOD! I'm writing in my blog! I'm actually posting something! Exactly how many months has it been?

Okay, let's not count.

I will be honest: 2009 was not a great year for me. I really struggled through many months of it because, well, post-traumatic stress disorder sucks. The nightmares, insomnia, anxiety attacks, and free-floating fear is draining. Getting control of the symptoms was very tricky and required a lot of experimentation over many months. It was hard for me to believe that anyone wanted to hear what was going on with me during that time and so I avoided my blog. Because even that made me anxious. And after a while, when I felt better enough to write, I found that I didn't know what to say.

Have you ever had that happened? For whatever reason, you fall out of touch with someone and you want to reconnect, only, you can't figure out how to start the conversation again. How do you explain how you weren't in touch? Maybe they are annoyed with you and don't want to hear from you. Is it naive to just want to pick up where you left off, or do you owe an apology?  Read more »

Facebook. LinkedIn. Twitter. Classmates.com. MySpace. Social networking is taking over and, frankly, some of us are not ready for it.

At least, I'm not sure I'm ready for it.

On face value, it seems like social networking on the Web is a fabulous idea. What a great way to stay connected to people, find those you've lost touch with, and strengthen bonds. You hear such wonderful stories about best friends from elementary school reconnecting and old lovers romantically encountering each other decades after they first fell in love. And I'm sure you know those people who find running a search on Facebook to be fun and exciting. Who will they find today?

I have friends like this-people for whom social networking is a welcome enhancement to their lives. I genuinely admire them, because for me, social networking not always like that. Sure, it can be enjoyable at times, but other times? It's stressful and nerve-wracking. Getting a new friend invitation can make me stop breathing momentarily, as I wonder, is this a "friend friend" or somebody I don't want to talk to?

You don't have to be a social recluse to have issues with online networking. It's often less than appealing if:

• You have good reason to avoid one or more persons from your past, particular the kind who never qualified for a restraining order, per se, but who has threatened your safety on some level,  Read more »

I have some very nice readers who send me kind messages from time to time-which I always appreciate, even if I am not able to reply-and for these readers, I thought I'd fill you in on What I Did On My Blog Vacation. Which wasn't really a vacation, of course, but I'm saving the word "hiatus" for future use. A vacation can be spontaneous, after all, and this one was certainly unplanned.

To recap: I gave a couple of hints about some of the stuff that was going on before I dropped out of view. I mentioned that I'd been struggling with chronic post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I had the regular stupid cancer follow-up which I unexpectedly spazzed out over. And last May, I told you that silly story about going to get an MRI on my shoulder (by that point, I was in severe pain from my imaginary shoulder injury).  Read more »

But I didn't mention the part where I went back to college and changed my career path and what actually happened with the stupid shoulder, as well as a few other things that I'll remember as I write, so let's see if I can flesh this out a bit.

My dear readers…I apologize. I have neglected you horribly. Blog reader Lisa recently sent up a flare reminding me that some of you really would like to read a new post, and so here I am, working to get back into the groove. So Lisa, this one is going out to you…hee! I just like saying that, it makes me sound like I have a radio show.

This first post will be serious, because I have decided to be brave and tell everyone why I have really been so quiet. I didn't plan on sharing this, but…gosh, I realized that I tell you guys about my breasts, so, why not this?

As all of you know, life can, at times, be a wee bit more difficult to get through than usual. That's where I'm at right now. But maybe, it's a more than a "wee bit" difficult.

You see, years ago, I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). You know, the kind of disorder that sometimes develops in people who have been traumatized in war situations, natural disasters, or at the hands of individual human beings. For me, PTSD was the result of having a surprising number of Very Bad Things happen earlier in my life, things that I could not contain in my psyche at the time they happened.  Read more »

I once asked my mother if she missed her own mother, who died two months after I was born. "Every day," she said. "Not one day goes by without me thinking of her and wishing I could just pick up the phone and call her."

Her sorrow over the loss of her mother was evident in her voice, even twenty years after my nana's death. I thought this level of grief was exclusive to the special relationship she had with her mother - they seemed more alike and thus, closer, than I was to her. I didn't know that one day I would feel the same way.  Read more »

My mother was a voracious reader; as long as I knew her, she was constantly checking out books from the library and trolling bookstores for new releases. Her favorites were romances and mystery/spy thrillers. She read quickly, and as a result, there were always piles of books next to her bed and on the bed, as well as grocery bags full of paperbacks to take to the used bookstore for credit.  Read more »

I have a rich fantasy life; it really doesn't take much to get my imagination going. I like to make up my own stories about how things really are around me, and often those stories are far more interesting than the truth. The one thing separating me from the people in strait jackets, I suppose, is that I know my stories aren't true...but they entertain me, so I keep thinking them up.  Read more »

In some cases, the stories in my head have the power to transform tedious or unnerving situations into exciting adventures. This is can be very useful, as it gives me what seems like endless patience, when really people are just playing into the devious schemes created by my mind.

The other day, upon walking into the living room, I spotted Dash under the console table in the hallway. There was only a few inches clearance for him to get under the table, so he was lying as flat as he could while peeking out with big eyes. He had the most definite pout on his face.  Read more »

Lately, I've been thinking about the things that we surround ourselves with in life. Almost everyone has certain things that they have an abundance of, and the type of things vary from person to person. Typically, the nature of our things illustrate our values, show what we love and sometimes, broadcast our beliefs about what we think we need to make things better.  Read more »

I remember one day, as a teenager, when my family was getting ready for a wedding. I felt very ugly out and out place. My grandmother who was visiting from Chicago had just congratulated me on putting on weight. She thought was a compliment; I was crushed. On top of that, my face was shiny and I hated that. Why did I have to be the one with oily skin?

My aunt walked with me outside to talk to me. She said, "Let me tell you a secret. I had oily skin all my life and your mother never did. But then you get older and see? Look who doesn't have wrinkles!" She laughed wickedly. "Don't hate your skin; you're going to be thankful for it later on."  Read more »

Yesterday I closed my small business consultancy, The Small Business Operative. It was a sad decision to make as I have put enormous amounts of effort into the business over the years, but it was the right decision at the right time. I have new adventures that I am moving onto and I need the freedom to explore them.

I haven't talked about my business on my blog, partly because I've been on hiatus while going through cancer treatment. Small Business Operative (SBO) grew out of a business I had before that, called Compass Point Solutions. I rebranded the business in 2003 to add more style, flair, and content. Tapping into one of my alter egos - the spy - made doing business a lot more fun; at least, for me!  Read more »

Starting in childhood, we are given labels to describe who we are, both to others and to ourselves. Some of these labels sound positive, like when we are told we are smart, friendly, or energetic. Others are clearly not-so-nice labels, such as difficult, reckless, or hypersensitive. Still others seem like they'd be good except that they are said with an edge, like the way some people say ambitious, clever, or artsy. Makes you not want to be any of those!  Read more »

Every morning, I gather up the clothes I want to wear for the day, place them in a pile in the bathroom, take my shower, then dress. I have three pairs of jeans that I choose from: two indigo and one black, and I don't like any of them. Mostly that's because I have a problem finding jeans that fit my curves well.

Today I pulled on my blue jeans and again lamented how ill fitting they are. I held them out from my waist and thought, "How the hell am I going to cinch that in with a belt without looking ridiculous? This is hopeless!"  Read more »

I'm not very good at celebrating holidays -- at least, I haven't been for a while. It's like I never know quite what to do with them and that's true of the Winter holidays more than any other. I get crabby when they start putting Christmas merchandise out before Halloween, I resist what I perceive as overcommercialization, I rush to make gifts and cards at the last minute and then I'm left, day after Christmas, melancholy because, yet again, I'm finally ready to feel the holiday spirit when it's too late.  Read more »

Do you remember those hidden image stereagram posters that they used to sell in mall kiosks? They looked like multicolored visual static-nothing distinct-but if you stared at one long enough, you'd see a three-dimensional image emerge after a while. Maybe it was an eagle or a landscape. I tend to think that the Universe sends us secret, encoded messages through our experiences in a similar way. If we unfocus our eyes and cock our heads to one side, we may just see something special that no one else can see. Sometimes these messages take us one step closer to our destiny.  Read more »

While surrounded by a group of radiation therapists today, talking about my choice of hair color and the mixed-media art book I was reading, I realized something with a jolt. I've finally reached the age in life where all the things that made me an outcast as a child make me surprisingly cool.

Go figure!

Being cool changes as you get older, that's for sure. As a child or young adult, general consensus seems to be that cool involves excelling at whatever it is that makes people fit in. The more brightly you conform, the more popular others rank you.  Read more »

Yesterday afternoon I looked outside and a man was leading a white stallion up the hill. The gorgeous, well-muscled horse was so white that he looked silver in the sunlight. The man had him on a long lead ... and by long I mean like 30+ feet. The stallion was reluctant to follow the man and kept stopping, gazing toward my window.

This morning I saw them again, this time heading down the hill. The horse looked just as otherworldly as he did yesterday.

When I told Kathy about it, she asked, "Did it have wings?"

I mentioned it to my friend Maria and she asked, "Did it have a horn?" Okay, no wings, no horn, but still…the sight of him raised the hair on my arms. Yeah, I'm a dork.  Read more »

Today is the 9-year anniversary of my mother's death. I feel her loss deeply.

As I go through my cancer treatment, I can't help but wish she was around for me to talk to. Not so much because she went through it herself (three decades ago) and could provide insight, but mostly so that I could tell her that I understand so much more now than I did before.

I was just ten years old when she went through breast cancer treatment. I remember how very sick it made her, even when I didn't understand what was going on. My mother tried to keep things to herself. I wasn't even told that she had cancer-I heard about it accidentally through my best friend, who had been told not to tell me.  Read more »

One of the unfortunate truths of the universe is that we don't always get to deal with nice people. Some people are selfish, nasty, or simply have no empathy. When you are forced to deal with people like this-maybe it's your boss who is toxic, or an in-law, or a repeat customer-it can feel like you get doused with cooties after each interchange and there is nothing you can do to get rid of them.

That's why I developed the Hokey Pokey method of ridding myself of cooties.  Read more »

Before I start telling too many stories, I better explain exactly who Marge and Norm are, because I'll no doubt be referring to them often.

It all started a few years ago, when a friend and I were having a conversation about our ideas of how things work. You know, God, the Universe, fairies, chaotic forces...whatever.  Read more »